Dear Manager, We Need to Talk

By Suchita S.

“I quit my job”

We all have ideas of an ‘ideal life’- a life that we will, eventually and hopefully, lead someday. The capitalist bug hit me hard when I was 13 years old and I built my ideal life as well. It went something like this- graduate from school with fantastic marks, study Economics from a top college in Delhi University, work at a fancy company or two thereafter, go to Wharton for an MBA, meet the man of my dreams who also happens to be an investment banker and by the age of 30 own a penthouse overlooking Central Park. So I guess it wasn’t just the capitalist bug, but also way too many American rom-com’s. I was convinced if everything went as per plan, I’d be happy. As the Gods would have it, a considerable part of this went as per plan and by any standards, I was living my ‘ideal life’. 

I was working at a reputed company in the field of my choice, earning a decent amount with enough time on my hands to pursue everything else that I wanted to and unwinding ever-so-often. Like most jobs, mine too had phases of absolute chaos and mayhem, and then periods where I’d sit and watch my favorite shows all day long {it’s okay to disclose this now, right?}. I was comfortable. Campaigns would come and go, and we’d do the same thing, submit the same reports and have the same pointless conversations with agencies. With each campaign, I learned a lot- the Indian market isn’t only one of the most dynamic markets; it’s also extremely hard to predict consumer patterns and behavior, which made work challenging.  I got to travel and meet some incredibly talented and some not-so-talented people. But a couple of months ago I realized I was asking myself this question a little too often- am I happy or am I comfortable? This was almost always followed by- aren’t they the same thing? The more I questioned myself and what I achieving through my job, the line between happiness and comfort grew wider and clearer.

When you start a job, everything seems exciting. From the projects you’re given to the people you meet, the ideation and the research and even the ‘soon to be boring’ discussions. Heck, even making coffee is an actual moment. But over time things set into auto pilot, and what had you jumping and smiling, now has you rolling your eyes and dragging your feet. I was working, no doubt. Doing really well even. But what do you accomplish by doing the same thing for the tenth time? I had found a way to deal with the stress, the hours, the deadlines and the problems. But at the end of the day, was I adding any value to my life or learning anything? Nope. Was I creating anything new and different? No, I was running in the same circle. But the question that did the trick for me was- Is this the future I want for myself? The moment I could get myself to say no, I knew the only thing to do was to gather courage and make a change. 

Change doesn’t come easy. Letting go of something you’ve dedicated hours and years to, toiled for, and excelled at, turned out to be harder than I had anticipated. They say the first step in changing your life is accepting the need for it. When I finally did, I literally spent two months planning my “we need to talk” speech, which by the way didn’t go according to plan. At all. While I’m not a crier, I found myself breaking down in the most awkward and random places- yoga studio, bathrooms of restaurants, while talking to friends, even the ladies at my parlor have lent me their shoulder. Then there’s the chocolate. The sondesh from Annapurna {it’s really good, and it’s all natural sugar in my defense}. The brownies I devoured. And don’t even get me started on the dhoda ki barfee {I love desi sweets}. But when the moment finally came and I made my decision and screwed up my severance speech, I felt so bloody good. It was bittersweet, but I knew I was doing the right thing.

Everytime I tell my colleagues, friends and family about the “big decision”, the first question I’m asked and naturally so is ‘what are you going to do now, where are you going?’ And the godforsaken ‘what are your plans?’ Truth be told, I have none. I mean, yes I’ll be working on a little project of mine because I don’t think I can sit idle, ever. But now, I love how I’m actually mentally and physically present in conversations instead of having my mind wander off to checklists and chores. It feels great to start with art class, finish my Spanish course, and practice golf so I can play with my nana someday. When you’re young, they tell you to soar and fly high. But to quote Dave Matthews “I am no Superman, I have no answers for you.” I’m happy walking through life instead, figuring it out one step at a time than living on some pop-culture inspired dream. Maybe I’ll go to Wharton, maybe I won’t. Also now, quite honestly, I’d rather spend time with someone who’s creative and gregarious rather than someone who clocks the hours at their desk. But whatever I do and wherever I go and whoever I’m with, I know I’ll be fine. Because when it’s time to make a change I’ll be able to say, “I quit”.